also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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