if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
me + whiskey = a bad person
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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