My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
