dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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