the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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