I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
