A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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