i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
