Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
