Can i not drive my cunt home
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
