A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
