I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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