This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
