u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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