i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
