can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
