Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize