i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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