Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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