I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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