I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
