So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
His nipple licking is glorious
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