Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
