You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I am one with the molecules
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
