And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
