Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
