So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
