i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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