me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Are we still banned from the library?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
