Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
