After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
