I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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