I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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