T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
