i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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