It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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