He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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