i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
