Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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