So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
