period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
