I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
