I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize