He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
