Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
