I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I AM VODKA MAN
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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