the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
