remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
