Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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