the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
