i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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