my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
