i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
