everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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