cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
