I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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