Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
