i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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