Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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