oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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