my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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