I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
