I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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