My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
