I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
