Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Congratulations! We have a period
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
