She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize