just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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