Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
that may or may not have been my penis.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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