remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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