Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
